As I walk out of the laundry self-service, the sky is dark and the air still warm. August has come and a strong storm, forecast to settle over the North Sea for the next two days, has led to all lessons being canceled tomorrow. The streets of Haarlem are quiet. I check the windscreen for a ticket, open the sliding door of the van and chuck the folded, fresh smelling clothes on the backseat. I’m tired. Physically tired of working at the beach all day, mentally tired with not making any progress on writing about myself for that website section.
Who am I and what do I do, why am I doing what I am doing? What does my photography mean to me and the rest of the world? Why am I using an analogue camera although it’s so limited in function compared to a digital one? The question could rather be, why would I not use it? It’s been there for me, ready to use with a few fixes and a bit of instruction. The more often I reach limits with this thing, the more often I discover some skill-demanding solution to any of them which seems fun to learn. I like seeing things become possible that were thought to be not. Small things especially.
I turn on the radio, let the phone randomly choose End of the Affair by Ben Howard. The lyrics fit my feelings. Through the night and past the train station I rush along the dark and empty road to my camp spot near the lake. The fact that I struggle so much with something like a simple CV bothers me. What am I?
A surfer, a photographer, a writer at times, an engineer once, a son, a friend, a father one day. Who am I? Who is this Rudi guy? Stefan, Rudi, the number on my passport. It all doesn’t really matter or even fit. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been re-inventing myself too many times to actually put it all into an identity. Here in Holland, I keep hearing I’m German. Mayhaps. On the other hand, if one wants to ride that horse then the Dutch would be more German than the Germans, I suppose. Even the expression the Dutch is bullshit.
I can’t think clearly. It’s almost midnight and the wisest thing might be to climb up into my bed and get some sleep. The music has stopped and the tape deck is still runing. I’m hungry but don’t feel like eating. I miss my girl.